You see..... I have Outlaw Half in 2 weeks time..... and I haven't trained as much as I should.
Even by my lazy standards of doing the minimum I think is required
So my head is going batshit shouty.
There is noise about how I am fat.
I've seen me recently in cycling kit. It is VERY unforgiving.
Noise about how I am going to do worse than I did the 2 previous times I took part.... noise how I will be SIGNIFICANTLY slower.... not just slower in one discipline.... in all of them.
I haven't done the swim miles or the bike miles.
I am relying on the fact that I have a fairly recent marathon PB in my legs, n the fact I have completed the event before so know what to expect and know I can do it....
Having completed it before has a complacency about it..... It sounds like I am not respecting the distance or the challenge.... so the karma police will deliver a race day from hell and I will deserve it.
Or at least that's what my head shouts say.
And if I have the day from hell, it will be because my body isn't ready.
There is little I can do now to make the slightest bit of difference.
It will be what it is.
I am trying my best to hang onto *WHY* I entered in the first place.
To support my swimmers.
To toe the start-line with people that I care about.
To chase dragonflies along the river.
To have a fab day out with my friends.
To remind myself about how much I love HPP in prep for my 2018 'flat n fast' iron distance. (Fast is relative)
To eat Jaffa Cakes on the run to make new friends n fall back in love with the stupid sport that is triathlon.... and hopefully watch people I care about fall in love with the stupid sport too.
I am still in a post Norse funk whereby no amount of tri-ing will come close.... and I need to shake that off.
I will miss the value in all things.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And so.... here I am.... full of self loathing, having fallen back down a sadness filled hole this weekend
(I was doing so well).
I could blame the fact that some days I just don't have the capacity to train.
(Despite how well I thought I was doing, this is completely true)
I plan to get to the pool.
Regularly I plan to go. Somedays I plan to make the morning session, have the dinner session as back-up n then have a few different evening sessions available..... but such is my slackness.... I don't make it to any..... I did make it to the supermarket with my cossie under my clothes the other night..... I set off to the pool..... but then I intervened n it all went wrong.
And then I fall out with myself cos I didn't make it.
It's like a cycle of self harm and self fulfilling prophecy.
I struggle to get out on the bike.
I have run more miles this year than I have ridden.
The fear of riding on the roads becomes so consuming some days that I can't make it out the house..... so I increase my self loathing because I am such a failure..... and on it goes.
Oh.... and me in Lycra.
On and on.
And on and on.
I have tried using the urge to slice my legs as motivation.
Wanna hurt your quads?
Go do hill reps.
I know the difference though.
And I know it's not the same.
So here we are..... with my excuses.
I feel like I should lay my goals out - make myself accountable.
But they need to be achievable.... I'm ok with my head shouts n the lies my voice tells me.... but I'm trying to claim it back in writing this.... so it needs to be realistic.
• Smile all day
• Sing on the bike
• Make at least one new friend
• Count dragonflies on the run (PLEASE let there be some)
• Set at least one discipline PB (this can inc T1 or T2)
• Set a race PB
• Come in under 6.30
• Come in under 6.15
• Come in under 6.00
• Don't shit myself (always a goal)
• Beat Dave (I know I won't, but for the sake of long standing banter, this needs including)
• Fuel and hydrate properly
• Run the whole half marathon (except feed stations)
So that's where I am.
I will be happy with any combo of the above.
Swimming is coming on.
By the time race day rolls round, my bike miles should have exceeded my running miles.
................. To Be Continued